Shuffling

In the spring of 2009, I fulfilled a "bucket list" dream and taught English in China. While I was there, I impulsively registered for the Top of Utah Marathon since a marathon was also on my bucket list (and obviously because all bucket list dreams must be realized before turning 20). I skipped over the 5ks, 10ks and half marathons that usually take place before the full 26.2 miles because my goal was just to finish without walking and to just check that darn thing off my list! For four months, I followed my training plan almost perfectly. I trained in the sticky summer humidity of Southern China, the sweltering August furnace of Arizona, and the brisk canyons of Utah.

I hated my marathon. I finished the race and I ran the whole time, but it was the longest and most physically painful 4 hours and twenty minutes of my entire life. When I crossed the finish line, I swore to myself that I would never run a marathon again.

This summer, there was a time or two (or three or four) where I found myself curled up in fetal position, confusingly unable to connect with God and unsure of how I could possibly pick up my feet and keep moving. Strangely enough, every single time I entered that fearful and hopeless state of mind, I felt a quiet but confident voice that I recognized as my own:

I am going to run the Boston Marathon. I am going to run 26.2 miles incredibly fast! 

That seemingly unrelated but consistent message was not exactly what I wanted to hear in those dark moments. I wanted to know how the heck I was going to get through the next hour, not that I was intentionally going to torture myself again in the very distant future!

Yesterday, I went on a walk/shuffle on my favorite trail in Birmingham. The weather was gorgeous, the scenery was breathtaking, and as I felt a sudden gust of wind against me, I thought my heart was going to burst with so much joy and love and gratitude. I felt so alive!

One day, far from today, I am going to run the Boston Marathon because I can do hard things that I never thought I could do and that I never thought I wanted to do. I am going to pace myself and enjoy the time it takes to get there.

Today, I'm happily shuffling forward.