Cruel Parents

A few weeks ago, I enjoyed reading a somewhat viral blog post about terrible names that parents named their children in Southeastern Idaho. It is an amazing post. Read it right now. I'll wait....


My mom later pointed out that the best part about the post were the comments. There were a lot of comments and sadly, I read every single one. But, if you don't have time to kill while nursing a baby like I do, I just did you a favor! I copied and pasted the best ones (which are still quite a lot) just for you! Please read them all. My favorite one is the second to last one I pasted. The "ABCD sure is a pain" one.


And here they are:


My sister, bless her freaking heart, named her oldest son Tab. Not short for anything. She also has a Benton, Paisley, and finally Hobbes. I wish I was kidding.


My friend (who is getting his PhD at BYU) said there was recently born in his ward a child called Jimmer. His given name, mind you.


My husband calls those erroneously huge flowers "satellite dishes." As in, "That baby must be getting HBO because there's no way her headband doesn't receive satellite transmissions."

Gah, most of those names make me ill! All those kids are going to wind up in prison or on poles waving their tatas around.

I also have to add that there is a child that goes to the same preschool as my daughter who is named "Bringit".

There is a child that shows up on my facebook feed occasionally (niece of a friend, I think?) who is named Pheliciti Grae. PHELICITI.

Poor poor children!! Grandmas hate those names! I hate those names. That kid is going to end up being called Boener. We all know it.

Someone I know has grandchildren with APOSTROPHE'S in their names. As in like THREE of them.
The most recent addition to the family...
Jax'n
Yeah, weird right? And I wanna say that Jax'n has an older brother named Link'n or something. I can't remember for sure the other ones... but her sons girlfriend is obsessed with apostrophe's in names.

In my work I deal with a lot of adult names. I have taken pictures in case my friends thought I was mistaken. Here are my two favorites: Lady PeeWee Sanchez & Halloweena Coffen. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to, but then again we have an adult daughter named Rhyan.

Unfortunately, my sister-in-law used Tytan. And if she has a daughter next she's going to name her Tossee (prounounced Tossy) YOU GUYS! I have to pretend I like these name! How do I do iiiiiiiiiiiit?

These are pretty bad, but consider the following true story.
Orem, Utah, 1978: One of my co-workers came in to work on a Monday morning and said, "You will never guess what happened in our Fast & Testimony meeting yesterday"--to which we could only reply, "You're right, we'll never guess, so go ahead and tell us."
"A couple in our ward had triplets--three girls--and yesterday they were given their names and blessings."
"So?"
"Their names--the ones by which they shall be known upon the records of the Church and throughout their lives here on earth--are Candy, Cookie and Cupcake."
So which would you rather be called: KeiseLyn or Cupcake?
(Who knows? Maybe it was Kandee, Kookey and Kupkayk.)

My son has a classmate named Ici. Sounds like Icy, but what do you say when you read that? Exactly...Icky. Nice. But the worst I have ever ever ever heard is Natas. That's right - Satan backwards! (sounds like Not Us) WHO DOES THAT? It made me want to call DCFS. Seriously. Still does in fact.

I knew a guy named Dwayne. His parents named his sisters Dweeva, Dwarva, and Dwova.

I work with high school kids and get to see a lot of girls names on a daily basis. The worst name so far this year is: K-La, and I met her last week. I looked at her paper she handed to me and had to ask her twice if that was her "real" name. To which she replied, "yes!". Seriously? WTF parents? She will NEVER be taken seriously!

I have a friend who named their daughter Eowyn. Yes, an elf from Lord of the Rings. Pronounced A-O-win. Her parents swore they would never shorten it, but now she goes by Winnie. I honestly don't know which is worse. But my favorite was a student in a class I taught named Rowdy Times. Not a big surprise that he was a major trouble maker who was eventually pulled from school for attacking his mom with a hammer. True story.

But, in my experience as a teacher it's the invasion of the apostrophes! And yes, these are real high school students of mine!
Trey'vion
La'tasha
De'Kinae (pronounced dee-kin-nay)
De'jenique (day-Ja-neek)
Dat'reion

To Jennie Holt, Jaeger SHOULD be pronounced "Yay-grr." As in Jaeger bombs. As in that's more than likely what the parents were doing leading up to conception. Of course, if you live in the Utah-Idaho Mormon Basin (or Washington, D.C.), they'll probably insist it's pronounced "Zhai-geyhr" or similar.

I do pictures of babies at two hospitals in Utah Valley and have heard some really unfortunate names. One of the most memorable was Maybe. Yep, that was the baby's name! No, they were not still deciding, and no, they weren't trying to keep it a secret, and no, I wasn't supposed to to figure out their strange little game of not telling the photographer their baby's name, HER NAME IS MAYBE. Oh.

I know a family with all of the following names in the under-3 set:
(Yes, they're all related, cousins and second-cousins!)
Morrison (boy), Pressley (boy), Hendrix (girl), Zykah (boy, rhymes with Micah), Axlynn (girl), and Marley (girl)
Ironically, all of these babies' mothers have totally "regular/normal" names themselves... :-/

My friend teaches first grade. There's a girl in her class, and I wish I was kidding, named Le-a. Pronounced, Ladasha, because according to her, "The dash ain't silent!" That poor, poor child!!

I worked with a man named Beveridge. Which sounds exactly the same as "would you like a refreshing beverage?" I work for an insurance company, and while ordering an MVR (motor vehicle report - it's a person's driving record), came across the name Joylet. Seriously? Who says to themselves, "We should name our kid something that rhymes with toilet."

I know of a little girl named "Tyranny." I'm not sure how it is spelled. I really doubt the parents were aware of the meaning of the word.

My husband has a cousin (last name Payne) who named her little girl....Abcyde (pronounced Ab-sidy or abs-cd). First, they were going to spell it Abcd just like the alphabet. But decided it needed a silent y and e. She has 2 middle names, the first Suri (pretty okay), and her second middle name is Iza, yes Iza (pronounced Is a). Let's say it all together Abcyde Suri Iza Payne. ABCD sure is a pain. Way to go mom and dad. Luckily everyone in the family calls her Ce-Ce.

I knew someone who named her kid Stockton Malone. Her husband was a huge fan. They're divorced now.

Aren't they all just so great?!